YOU’RE NOT ADOPTING A PUPPY, SO PREPARE YOURSELF
Adoption is a tough process and is not only a trauma for the kid but also for the parents. You know that nothing can prepare you for the reality of adopting a child. Adopting parents often forget that their adopted kid has a past before them. They are expected too quickly love, kindness, sympathy because they give a ‘better’ life to the kid. They forgot that it wasn’t the kid’s choice. Besides, adopted kids often experience anxiety, anger and fear related to attachment ruptures.
For instance, when my dad was a few minutes late to pick me up from school, I dissolved into tears and I thought that it wasn’t safe to trust him and then that he would leave me one day. I was every time thinking of abandonment scenarios; so, when one of my parents forgot me or something, I was a fucking monster with them.
Anyway, I just want to say, if you want to adopt, PREPARE YOU WELL! Love is a commitment, it’s showing up day after day for years. Be patient and well prepare! Adopting a child is not adopting a puppy!! Here it’s my short list to be prepared before becoming adoptive parents, especially before the child comes at his new place😉
♡ Find out what you child’s life was like
If the child is not a newborn, he or she has a life before being your kid. It’s your duty to find out where your child is from, what was his/her routines, his/her favorite toys, sleeping song, how do his/her biological parents look like because the child will want to know his/her origin. While the child is crossing his/her teenager age, he/she’ll want to know more about his/her story.
♡ If you’re in touch with the birth parents, avoid an evolving relationship
The child will feel confused or feel guilty to love you. In my case, it took long time for me to not feel guilty to love my mom. At the beginning, when my mom did something nice to me if that made me happy, I was mad at myself and her because I thought her kindness was trying to push me to forget my first family. I was feeling guilty because I’d a strong link with my birth mom until I understood that she abandoned me.
Besides, my mom wanted me to be close to my birth family and it was more confusing than ever. My birth family tried to manipulate me. So every time I saw them, she had to go over again: try to be accepted by me, try to find her place as a mom at home, … According to me, it’s the worst idea and hurtful to do that. It’s fine to be able to answer every question the kid has. However, it’s not good to let the birth family to be involved in the adoptee’s life.
♡ Help your child adjust
The adoptee is far from everything he/her knows. Prepare a box with:
- pictures of your family,
- songs you listen to when you were a kid,
- put a blanket you were sleeping with like that the kid will have your order while he/she’s sleeping,
The aim of this box is to know your family and everything about you to create a connection. I don’t know where I put my box, if I find it, I’ll put the picture. This box helped me a lot, while I refused to talk to my family at the beginning, I was only looking at the photos and one day, I started to ask question about who were the kids on the picture and since then, we started to have small conversation.
♡ Give time to love
You might not fall in love with your child even though you were expecting a fairytale. Parents don’t always admit that they don’t always feel an instant bond with their kid right away. Relationship and attachment take works. Oh Yeah!! It was a hurtful reality slap for my mom.
She wanted to have so badly a strong attachment with me. She imagined a beautiful fairytale in her head. When she saw that I wasn’t giving a f*uck about her, she lost all hopes that I’d love her one day and she struggled to love me back too even though it was what she always wanted. However, with time and patient, we developed a deep attachment.😉
♡ Accept help
You can see a psychologist before and during the process of getting an adopting child. It’s also important to see a psychologist with the kid. A psychologist followed me from the week I arrived until my 18th birthday. That did really help me to understand what was going on and how to deal with the changes.
I wrote this article regarding my experience. Of course, every story is different. People can think they don’t need help or don’t need to get ready. Everyone has opinion, here it’s only a short list of what to do. Every parent and child are different, but more you prepare yourself more you’ll get a quick bond with the child!